Saturday, May 26, 2007

back.., back.., back!

Me's back again! :) after a loooooong hibernation period of hectic tasks/fire fighting schedules keeping me away from any kind of thought crunching at all!

The last month esp. was a nightmare! Missed schedules / Mixed up emotions / My prevailing erratic ill health & finallly - having been left alone to myself for a few weeks!

Per se, looking back the past on this thought makes me chuckle and sound how much of a hypocrite i've become!

Yes! doesn't sound at all like the ideallic 'me', talking such things - esp. calling myself a hypocrite of sorts!

5 years back, i very clearly remember - what a person i was!

Steadfast - Chin up - with an attitude of justifying things my own way and insist proving others wrong - than proving myself right! And life had had taught me a few important lessons :

- No Expectations

- No Dependencies

- No Assumptions

- No (there was another point which my mind fails to recollect now) Illusions (i persume!)

so, i preferred to be left alone with no human company, submerged head deep in my own ideals, dreams and fantasies and viewing this world as a big playground of oppertunities and just about that - like playing a game!

"Survival of the fittest"!

"Even god won't help you if you can't helf yourself"!

Books, Ciggies & Comp were all that i needed!

And to wander around the globe, like a nomad - mostly alone (with the exception of wishing a like minded uber partner ;) to match the fire within) was the top thing on my wish-list!

Though i've never been rude with people, i've always extended a helpful hand, and going the extra mile. But, i've never seen myself a social animal per se, appreciating human company (but for the one special dream partner!)!

Until Now!

And today, its all different! I am a lot different than what i was 5 years back!

When left alone, now, it feels haunting!

Got used to mum/dad/wife n family! and Now to Junior!

Esp. when am sick and can't willfully pull myself together to help myself!

God, those are times which i really really want people around me! mom/dad/wife - or any loving caring soul,

at those times of pain.... when even the minor physical discomforts and illness trigger up cascading torrents of thoughts - mostly depressing and futuristic and worrisome! Thanks to all that F***ing antibiotics, which keep me down physically and mentally drowzy!

thank goodness there are parents... a wife... a distant cousin... a loving friend...

somebody who cares and makes you feel you are not left alone in this wretched world!

Work is different....

Home is different....

Outlooks have changed....

The self centeric point of thinking is gone!

Before i could realize and wake up... a small exclusive world has already been built around me!...

of close knit family, friends, bosses, team members... colleagues, and man - me's already grounded!

and day after day it is becoming difficult to break free / move away / keep far from this exclusive world!

I had to force myself to be not so dependent .... unless am ready to suffer losses / blows!

This family thing... social stuff... is something like gravity... an invisible magnetic force that keeps you pulling down to the core. To break free - er., well - one needs to defy this force! need for some rocket fuel! calling for massive efforts to keep aloof and floating! ;)

and now, i get the point... a realization...

I got to oblige this gravity... and let the self be pulled and kept bound - as a social animal, within the fabric of family and society.

And yet, like the discoverer shuttle, when a need arises i should be able to break free of this bondage and zoom past against the gravity, defying it to be free.... to have a walk in the space... just to be myself and then, to return back to this bondage... giving in to the gravity... returning home!

Well, end of the day, with the notion of time, looks to me - we all end up hypocrites of a kind under the guise of experience and new learnings/realizations.

([palms up] just purely my own point of view)!

Call me stupid or a Nut - but these are what my first hand feelings/thoughts are - fresh out of the head! There is no-better way i could put it!